Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Dear Drivers

Dear folks attending the crowded school event. I know the parking lots are covered with ice and snow, and our harsh winters often erase the painted lines. But if Luciano Pavarotti and William Howard Taft could link arms and stand hip-to-generous-hip between your car and the next, you're parked too far away, and you're probably taking up two spaces.

Hey you, yeah you with the giant SUV. See how your front end is dangerously close to the car parked on your left, but your rear end is kissing the car to your right? That's because you aren't parked straight. Fix it. Now.

Hey Old Guy, your turn signal is on.

Dearest new teen driver. Contrary to what your Mother told you, you really aren't that special. You cannot text, talk, run your iPod, drink Red Bull, and drive well all at the same time. And frankly you don't drive so well under the best of circumstances. So put down the phone, buckle up, and take the ear plugs out. The life you save might be your own, but it also might be MINE or the life of someone I love!!!

Hello macho guy. Pushing hard on your accelerator in no way demonstrates your manhood, your aggression, your sexual prowess, nor your physical strength. My Grandma can floor a gas pedal. We all can. It's no big talent.

Dear Suburbanite in the Hummer, we're all laughing at you.

Hey kid. Listen up. You are getting into my paid-for van to come over to my house to play with my kid, eat my food, watch my tv, and tear up my lawn. If you make one more comment about how old my vehicle is, or how I don't have two sliding doors, or how yours is much nicer I will drop you off at the closest police station, tell them I found a gun in your back pack, you were making bomb threats on your facebook page, and you molested our cat.

To the NICE Minnesotans. It's not good manners to let people go before you at 4-way stops. It's confusing. And annoying. If you were the first one there GO! If we got there at the same time and you're on the right GO! If you aren't crossing traffic GO! If it's your turn GO! If you don't know the rules of 4-way stops take another route. or get educated.


MommyLisa said...

Ugh. People being "nice" at four-way stops is the WORST ever. So painful for everyone else.

Unknown said...

Oh my darling, minus the snow, the same fools drive here in FL, only I think we have more old people than teens..........ugh!

Life As I Know It Now said...

Last week at the grocery store someone in their big, and I guess super nice, SUV decided that they needed two parking spaces rather than one. I got a piece of paper out and wrote on it "learn how to park you ass!" and left it under their driver's side windshield wiper. It probably didn't do much good but I felt much better!

Anonymous said...

If some kid gives you crap about your van, just ask him how he'd like to spend the next four hours giving hand jobs to truckers just to make it back home from the next state.

SkylersDad said...

I feel your pain, and am laughing my ass off at Kirby!

LoieJ said...

My pet peeve is when I'm passed on the freeway, and there is PLENTY of room all around, and the guy has to get back into my lane so soon that I have to step on the brake. Sheesh.

The part about stepping on the accelerator makes me think of the snowmobilers that I hear going by...they love to make that engine scream.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

The idiots who feck up four way stops drive me crazy!

Churlita said...

As you probably remember, the problem in Iowa, is that no one ever uses their turn signals. As a runner, it sucks to try and figure out which way anyone is going at any given intersection. Ugh.

Sheleta said...

Girl this is too much!!!