1. Have a crap-ton of money
2. Do NOT have children. They will want to do all number of fun, educational activities like crayons, play do, blanket forts, and they track in acres of dirt. Only a cruel nincompoop would deprive a child of any of this, so just don’t have them
3. Do NOT have outside interests. This results in extra shoes on the back porch, equipment in the garage, extra mailings and catalogs, and too much clothing. Just stay home and admire your clean house.
4. Do NOT have friends. They give you gifts like food when you’re sick, and divided perennials for your yard. And friends always lead to #3.
5. Cover your entire property with cement. No messy gardening, or composting, or seed catalogs, or coupons for mower repair. Clean cement with no patio furniture to lounge on or a fire pit to enjoy. Woodpiles are sloppy! And no unwanted perennials from those friends you don’t have.
6. Don’t ever cook. EVER! Eat out every meal, alone.
7. Don’t travel. This means keeping unsightly luggage in your closets, souvenirs to dust, and memories that will interrupt the zen of your perfect home.
8. With your crap-ton of money, have other people come in and buff you and your home to a squeaky shine.
9. Don’t ever celebrate any holiday. Now you have no need to keep wrapping paper or tape in the house. And two words: pine needles.
10. Don't have a pet. Who needs that unconditional love when you could instead have continuous reflective surfaces?
OR do like us and enjoy a full life with all the joyous mess it entails
