Tapas Post

The small plates of my life.

1. Earliest sign of Spring in Minnesota - when the ice on the windows starts to shrink.

2. Focus on the Family can kiss my liberal feminist agnostic ass.

3. I have another winning crock pot recipe. Want to hear it or are you tired of recipe posts?

4. Does anything feel better than silky long johns?

5. Coffee and half & half are my drug of choice.

6. Come on someone! Those dishes aren't going to wash themselves!

7. If facebook starts charging, I am outta there.

8. I just read about an Andy Warhol painting going for $21 million at auction. I know it's someone's personal money, but do you realize how many families in foreclosure that $ would save? How many kids without health insurance it could cover? How many books it would buy for poor school districts? Why do clueless people get all the money??

9. My husband is a cutie. A cutie that makes me want to kill him in his sleep sometimes, but still a cutie.

10. Actually, my true drug of choice is Pepsi over ice.

Regrets? I've had a few

Don't you hate those people who say they have no regrets? How can you live beyond the age of 15 and not have any regrets? Do they just stay home locked in the bathroom? And wouldn't that be a regrettable action? Or maybe I'm the only human on Earth who screws up from time to time.



My regrets:
Not finishing my teaching degree
Letting myself get so heavy
Losing my temper with my kids at times
Letting my house be my largest investment
That I didn't write the Harry Potter series
That I ever EVER backed John Edwards
Being such a smart ass to my parents
All the stupid things I've said
Not investing in Apple

Things I DON'T regret
Marrying Johnny C
Having kids
Moving to Minnesota
Learning to drive stick
NEVER getting a tattoo
Starting this blog

Laps I'd rather sit on

I got this idea from Lisa, and it's a doozey!!

How do you spell "doozey" anyway?

Name some laps you would rather sit on

than Santa's!

First off would have to be my very sexy, 100% Italian, strong armed, handsome hubby Johnny C.

Second would have to be Tony Soprano, because he looks like Johnny C and he might peel a $100 off that wad of bills in his pocket. Or he may dump me off the back of his boat after putting a slug in my head. Good thing he's fictional!

Third would be Robert DeNiro - I'm noticing a clear Italiano pattern here!

Fourth is a young Dean Martin - again with the Italians! And Hey, it's an imaginary challenge so I can go back in time, right?
Fifth is Omar Sharif in the 60's. Remember, I am taking the liberty to go back in time.

And to throw my pattern completely off, please add Scottish sweetie Ewan McGregor.

And to round out the Holiday season, please please throw in Alan Rickman. Holy Cow what IS IT about that man? Even as Severus Snape he manages to be oo-la-la.

Merry Christmas Indeed!

Idiot or Stress? Challenge #2

Welcome back to our next installment of IDIOT or STRESS?

Through all this new job-moving-house sale-recession business, I've been neglecting my supper duties. Actually I've been neglecting all the cozy-Mommy duties.

So today I get up early, throw in some laundry, pack a bag supper for Twin #1, and put a chicken dinner in the crock pot. Then I head out for a full 7-hour work day.

After work, I pick up kids, and go to the grocery store.

Then we head home for our dinner.

Only to find I never plugged in the crock pot.

You tell me. IDIOT or STRESS?

Between the trapeze bars

I'm between the trapeze bars . . . .
That's a phrase my sister uses about these stages of life when you've let go, or been pushed, from a position of comfort and you're hanging there, just hanging there, not knowing if you'll grab the next bar, fall into the net, or crash into the hard earth.

Waiting for the economy to turn
Waiting for a rental decision
Waiting for the water to boil
Waiting for the heartburn medication to kick in
Waiting for Johnny C to get out of the shower
Waiting for the cats to come in for the night
Waiting for either twin to call and say it's time to pick them up
Waiting for the dryer to finish
Waiting for the tide to come in
Waiting for health care reform
Waiting for some good news
Waiting for Michael to give me the disc he burned of "Glee", and to see his Europe pictures
Waiting for the next Netflix to arrive
Waiting for payday
Waiting for the kids to put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher
Waiting for a break

Maslow can kiss my behind

The very bottom of Maslow's hierarchy is really no place for a woman my age with three kids to support and a houseful of furniture and dishes. I don't know if I'll ever see the top.

We're still searching for new housing. Since we put up our beloved home for a short sale, there has been a flurry of activity, as in showings every day. Last summer, our house was worth $359G's. Now it's listed for $175G's. The fact that the bank will take that kind of money in a short sale, but wouldn't renegotiate to our proposed $225G's is leaving me more than just a little bitter. Yes, bitter and angry.

But I must remain positive and focused. Here are the choices left to us now:

1. A wonderful fixer-upper with great bones and a double lot. An investor friend will buy it and rent to us for a year, then we'll pay off with a loan. We are still searching for an investor to put up the $ needed for renovation. If you know one, send them my way! This place is great and I know I'd love living there.

2. A small, and I mean small, townhome to rent. It needs nothing - move in ready - but small. But our kids can ride the bus to and from school, and everything else is a bike ride away. AND it's just doors down from two of my best blogging and real-life pals.

3. A large townhome to rent that needs work, but the owner wants us to do work in lieu of some rent which is a GREAT deal. But it's quite far away from everything we do. AND the school wouldn't bus my kids from there.

Wonder if Maslow had these kinds of problems?

UPDATE: Option #2 was just rented to someone else

Harmful and Boring

Geez-a-loo I love Google Image Searches! Just type in some random work like "boring" and see what pops up. It's like a playground, I'm tellin ya!

This one was titled "harmful and boring" - that about sums up my life right now. An extreme state of stress over housing and finances juxtapositioned beside the ever-present laundry, dishes, and family duties.

By day I appear as mild-mannered Mnmom, going about my routine with a smile and a dust rag. Pumping gas in the car, marinating the chicken, running reports at work.

But by night I'm become SUPER-ANXIETY-BROAD! Able to skip entire hours of sleep while staring at the ceiling shouldering wave after wave of panic! Watch her grapple with the dark demons of stress and worry in the cloak of night! See her sidekick JOHNNY C do exactly the same while working endless hours by day! How long can they last before their super powers are eradicated? How will they resist the call of the dark forces??

Stay Tuned!

Yep, I'm still here

Yes, I'm still here. Busy finding a place to live come late Fall. Busy being stressed and sleep deprived. Busy with kids and laundry, oh you get the picture!

My Theme Song
I'm still here, by John Hartford

Now trains are runnin' towards each other
Shotguns are pointed at my head
Tornado clouds are formin' at the crossroads
H-Bombs are fallin' towards my bed

But I'm still here
I'm still here, and how 'bout that?
My city may be fallen, but I'm still here.

Assassination squad has got their orders
Repossession man is on his way
Landlady's givin' me her notice
I'll be pitched out with trash now any day

But I'm still here
I'm still here, and how 'bout that?
I may have lost my lunch box, but I'm still here.

The summer of my random thoughts

The summer of my random thoughts. That would make a good novel title, wouldn't it?

1. Michael Jackson was a great humanitarian and the greatest ever entertainer? You'll never get me to agree. Never. Not in a million years. He was greedy and creepy. Nuff said.

2. Sarah Palin is almost as greedy and creepy but I'm fairly sure that's her original nose. But don't quote me.

3. We're having a tapas summer: small plates of sun and warm weather.

4. Kim Jong Il is one seriously sick man.

5. Why can't lunch just make itself?

6. I'm going to get my own radio program even if I have to sleep with someone, but only if that someone is my husband.

7. I hate that the restroom at my office is a full floor away.

8. Hear that gasping, choking noise? That's the GOP.

9. Why didn't I plant more beets?

10. I need to lose 40lbs and I'm not happy about it, not at all. I tend to really like food.

Fill in the blanks

Let's have some fun with "The HAPPY TO BE FROM IOWA FILL-In-The-BLANKS GAME"!

1. Norm Coleman would make a great _________________________

2. When I think of clowns, I ___________________________

3. Mnmom would be rolling in the dough if she'd ____________________________

4. The only thing keeping Sarah Palin from the White House is ______________________

5. Michelle Bachman's greatest strength is ________________________

6. The first joke Al Franken will crack in the Senate is ______________________

7. Iowa is a great state because _________________________________

8. Minnesota is a close second, but what's holding it back is_______________________

9. Today's teens really should ___________________________________

10. Parents need to learn to _____________________________________

Have Fun!

This parenting thing

I'm just a woefully inadequate mother.

Either that, or parenting teenagers is like trying to do brain surgery while walking through the fun house wearing 3" stilettos and without my glasses.

I'm either doing too much and ruining their lives, or not doing enough and ruining their lives. I haven't figured out the exact perfect balance of supervision and neglect. Something tells when that when I finally do, they will be 23 and it won't matter anymore. It's no small wonder that one of the most popular books about raising teens is titled "Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall".

And I remember being the teen, don't you? I remember when my Mom would walk into the room and ask me to do something and all the hair on the back of my neck would jump to attention. I'd be laying on my bed in my groovy lower level basement room that they had lovingly provided with lime green shag carpeting and white/gold paneling. I'd hear her knees cracking all the way down the stairs (like mine do now!) and I'd get ready for the fight. She'd ask me to do something simple, like fold some laundry, and I'd whine like she had invited the firing squad over after lunch.

My parents would do horrifying things in public, like talk to my friends or yell out the car window to hurry up because they'd left supper on the stove at home. And their CLOTHES! Geez, Dad would get off the lawn mower for a quick trip into town to pick up my lazy ass AND my bike while wearing his sweaty shirt, plaid bermudas, and the sweat rag he'd tied around his head.

Parents and teens. It'll never work

My Lord, what a morning

I'm getting ready to leave for work, and I'm right on time. My lunch is all packed, my breakfast nearly done, and I'm wearing a swell old linen dress with jewelry that matches perfectly. Houston, we are ready for launch.

I go to grab my lunch box. Horrors, I had forgotten to close it! Who knew the distance from my counter to the floor was as damaging as a drop from the Empire State Building. The yogurt top flew right off and splayed dairy product over a 2 sq. ft. area. The crackers went kamikaze and tore through their ziploc bag to crash and crumble. The soft cheese, against all laws of physics, pushed open its plastic container and rolled across the floor.

As I bent down to attend to the carnage RIIIPPPPP goes the back of my dress. I had split an already weak seam right up to my, well, use your imagination.

I'm sure the rest of the day will be fine. Like they say "Eat a bug every morning and everything else will seem easy".

My nervous breakdown has been scheduled

Loads of work and end-of-school-year crap. A job interview tomorrow for a full-time position even though I DON'T WANT FULL TIME WORK. Teens who feel completely comfortable telling me, to my face, that I'm a horrible mother and "don't do anything around here". Two catering jobs that paid a nice chunk only to have that chunk disappear when I backed into a car - at the catering job no less. Needing groceries when I have no money. Acne flaring up. Air conditioning in the car malfunctioning. Not to mention the imminent foreclosure and bankruptcy.

I've scheduled my nervous breakdown tomorrow between 8:30am and noon. I should be able to scrape myself off the ceiling and clean up in time for the interview, and perhaps still get in a few loads of laundry. I'm nothing if not efficient.

People Stump Me

I've been walking this Earth for 47 years now, and people & the things they do continue to baffle me.

I like to think I operate from a position of honesty and ethics. I also like to think I have garnered at least some wisdom and insight during this life. But I still get gut-punched and sideswiped by others. There are folks and institutions that throw all common sense out the window and function from a short-sighted position.

I still get cracked in the head and suffer the injury, when I never saw the bus coming. Rules are followed and good choices can be made, and I still suffer the kick in the kiester anyway. You can do your flat-out best, and still get yourself a new one torn. I can be as flexible and giving as possible, and there will always be that one person who can't stand my presence and the fact that I stand there breathing is enough to set them off. I can be gracious, honest, and forthright and still get screwed over by a human-owned company.

You humans, you're a piece of work.

Post Mother's Day Post

I've read a couple of posts lately about mothers feeling a sense of failure. I don't see failing mothers in them: I see very real human beings trying to deal with one of life's toughest jobs. Anyone who has been a parent, are even spent any significant time around babies, toddlers, kids, or teens will know what I'm talking about.

Here are the ways I "fail"

1. Holing up in the bathroom a little longer than necessary, just for the personal space and quiet.

2. Often giving them frozen pizza or milk toast instead of a "real" supper.

3. Throwing away some of those activity opportunities the school sends home before they even see them because I just don't want to pay for, volunteer for, nor arrange another activity.

4. Napping right on the couch, in full view of my offspring, and snoring to boot.

5. Spring of 1998 my twins were feverish but otherwise OK. After 4 days of this, plus a strange rash, I finally took them to the Dr. only to find they had Scarlet Fever.

6. About 6 years ago Twin #1 stepped on a small rock in the driveway. She complained for a week and I told her to suck it up. I finally took her in to find she had broken her foot. A small break, but spent the next 2 weeks in an immoblizer.

7. Actually talking to their teenage friends, and asking how they are doing. The NERVE!

8. When they were little, I often considered a good swim in the chlorinated city pool just as good as a bath. Or at the end of a long summer night, I would just wash their dirty face and feet and send them to bed.

9. Telling them I'm working on the computer when I'm really blogging or reading facebook.

10. Letting my youngest watch some slightly unsavory shows because I'm too tired and lazy to fight her.

11. Using the TV as a baby sitter.

12. Once on a long car ride, I gave the twins Benadryl for the sole purpose of making them drowsy.

13. When they are complaining about why I let their sister get away with (fill-in-the-blank) I often retort with "well, that's because I love her more."

14. I don't do crafts. I don't scrapbook. I don't allow glitter in my house. Art yes. Lots of art. And homemade play doh by the bucket. But no crafts.

15. As little ones, I let them wear the most god-awful outfits you could imagine. I prefer to choose my battles.

16. When they were little I would sometimes tell them the park, the library, etc was "closed" so we wouldn't have to go.

17. My own mother "failed" too - she used to tell us tornadoes never come after 9 p.m. so we would shut up and go to bed.

18. I make them do chores.

19. I make them do things they are perfectly capable of doing themselves.

20. If they don't listen to me and forget to bring some essential piece of equipment to the ball game, school, or what-have-you I make them suffer without it.

21. I refuse to play pack mule. If they insisted on bringing it, they can carry it.

22. I love them enough to say NO, often, and mean it.

Yep, I'm a failure as a mother.

Sometimes we all go soft in the head

We've all been there. That moment when you realize you need competent adult supervision. I have personally witnessed or known the folks involved in the following. And TWO of them I have done personally. I will send a small prize to whoever guesses the correct two. My sisters are disqualified, as is MG if he calls my sisters and gets the answer.

Lemme hear yours!!!!!

1. Found a dead bird in their screened porch and stated that they needed to fix the hole so more dead birds wouldn't get in.

2. Stated at a tailgater that the tent should be moved into the sun to provide more warmth under the tent.

3. While leaving a restaurant, had a good laugh with their spouse about idiots that drive off with stuff on their car roof, then immediately left the parking lot with all the leftovers on the roof.

4. Received a traffic ticket for driving their motor scooter erratically and without a helmet. They were driving erratically because they were trying to balance their helmet on their lap.

5. Put a garden hose down the sewer line because it was clogged, and caused the clogged sewer line to back up and coat the room with, well, sewage.

6. Had an extremely clogged goose neck under the kitchen sink. So laid out plenty of newspaper, told the kids to stand back, carefully removed the goose neck, slowly stood up, and dumped the goose neck down the kitchen sink drain.

7. Was fascinated by the car's shattered windshield following an accident, so ran their fingers down the shattered glass.

8. Told his kids his wife has crabs because he thought it was the same thing as chiggers.

9. Drove straight into a setting sun insisting they were driving East.

10. Spit chewing tobacco juice continually into a beer can, then mistakenly took a big swig thinking it was their actual beer.

An open letter to annoying people

Dear Annoying People,

You certainly were a busy bunch today! Did someone raise your quota? Or did you just see me coming and get your freak RIGHT on?

To the woman who made my iced mocha. I should be able to actually TASTE the coffee and the chocolate in there. It should not taste like sweetened skim milk over ice. And to the woman who rang it up, it's considered unseemly to pick your nose in public.

To the orthopedic patients sitting next to me in the coffee house. I don't often get a chance to sit silently in a coffee shop with my book for an hour of solitary reading with a good cup of joe. As you can see above, the cup of joe part was totally destroyed by one of your cousins. Then you two launched into a detailed discussion of your recent surgeries, complete with scar descriptions and leaving no nauseating detail left to the imagination. But somehow you failed to notice the people around you trying to eat lunch.

To Caribou Coffee, where I moved hoping for a better cup of coffee and some quiet. Would it kill you to have some attractive and tasty baked goods on hand? Every time I'm there it's that same crusty oat bran muffin. And why would you block open the back door on a dreary wet 40 degree day? It felt like a meat locker in there.

And to the young couple at last night's school orchestra concert. Letting your toddlers stamp around and play loudly during the performance was distracting and just plain rude. Get a sitter!

Lucky for you people, some really great folks crossed my path lately too. Otherwise I would have gone all postal and stabbed you with my car keys. But I'm a pacifist and refrained, allowing you to live on and annoy again another day. And I'm sure you won't disappoint.

With much annoyance,
Mnmom

I have issues, no really I do

Please tell me I'm not alone . . . . .

1. I can't get to sleep unless I have socks on.
2. When I eat, I take one normal size bite, then another little bite just to the left. I discovered this about a year ago.
3. My head is big and looks completely stupid in hats.
4. I can't take a bath unless I scrub the tub first.
5. If the only creamer available is powdered or plain milk, I'll pass on my beloved coffee.
6. I love mustard.
7. I love people, unless I hate them, which is during all trips to the mall, at Target, in theaters, while driving, in meetings, calling insurance companies, . . . . .
8. I hate it when the woman on the other end of the phone line makes that silly quiet "du du du du du" sound while looking something up.
9. I have to open and smell all detergents, lotions, soaps, etc. before buying them.
10. I can't walk into the bathroom if I have food in my mouth.

Sheesh

Every have one of those weeks, or days, where it seems like you get criticism from every possible angle? For me it's been going on since about Tuesday. Just when I'm sailing along, thinking I'm doing a good job with all my duties. Then suddenly, like everyone got the same memo, it's time to point out my mistakes and deficiencies. Things sure do run in cycles, don't they? At least with my kids, the scrutiny is the same old same old. I'm ALWAYS embarrassing, pathetic, and nagging in their eyes, except when they need cash or a ride to the movies. Anyway, I just suck up the information and try to do better. Yeah, some of the criticism was constructive but it just seems like a very long string of it this week.

Thoughts to Ponder

1. How many times can I pass gas at my desk before coworkers start to really notice?

2. How come I think I'm a complete babe, when photos tell a much different story?

3. How come women's magazine stories on your sex life never picture actual women, but rather svelte 18 year olds with boring hair and skinny arms staring lovingly into the eyes of an equally skinny body-hair-less 20 year old male model? Those people don't exist in my world.

4. Chin hairs, WTF??

5. If I always tend to use the 2nd or 3rd stall into a public restroom, then probably everybody else does too. I should use the first stall. It's probably seen fewer butts.