Monday, February 25, 2008

My smug, catty, uneducated, judgemental look at Oscars 2008

This year I saw absolutely NONE of the movies nominated, and frankly NONE of the movies containing actors and actresses nominated. But like every year past, I watch to see the gowns and the hairdos. It's late winter here, I'm pasty as bread dough, and needed to know that beauty, or something similar, can still be purchased by the rich and famous. What better way to make myself feel better than to mock spray-on tans, bad hair, expensively ugly dresses, and inflated celebrity egos?

Oh Tilda, I'm sure plenty of folks like your lean mean look. But would just a little mascara or lipstick just kill the whole thing? Guess makeup for your part in the Narnia movie must have been a cinch. Love the Hefty dress too - my mom made me a bat costume for Halloween out of the same material. Sorry you lost the other arm to it - maybe it fell off in the limo. Hot glue only lasts so long you know.

Guess lots of ladies got the "Red or Black" dress memo. I didn't realize the theme this year was playing cards.

This is one woman in serious need of a double cheeseburger.

Poor Penelope Cruz, forced to wear a black toilet brush.

Miley Cyrus - nothing says paternal love like pimping out your 15-year-old. Did you notice her pouty-lip look? SHE'S 15 FOLKS!!!!!

Was anyone else irritated that George Clooney's girlfriend looks like a high school senior? What do they talk about? His hair? She wasn't even born when he was on Roseanne playing Booker. Ew. Wonder if they skipped the after-parties because of her curfew? Does she make him wear Polo?

This woman is proof that I'm totally uninformed about pop culture. Who is she?

Cate Blanchett is adorable, but those clips of her playing Bob Dylan made me feel embarrassed, like when your best friend thinks she does a seriously good impression of Celine Dion and you can't stand to set her straight but you also can't stand to listen one more second.

Miss Diaz - yes you are wonderfully pretty in an odd over-tanned way and you have way more money than most of us will ever see, and you don't need to do one thing to impress me. But couldn't you have done SOMETHING with your hair? I mean, a ponytail? That's all you can muster for the Oscars? I've seen better hairdos at the grocery store.


Cheesecake Maven said...

I think we should all gather for our own "parenting" oscars and wear old prom dresses or bridesmaids dresses found at local second-hand stores. Oh, wouldn't it be fun! Remember when we went to the local theatre in our prom dresses and our work boots with Ali?

Mnmom said...

The teen daughters would have a fit of apoplexy and just wither away. I think next year I'll have an Oscars party for my girlfriends so I'm not alone in my judgemental-ness

michaelg said...

Who is Kristin Chenowith? Who is Kristin Chenowith? (That is gay indignance talking.) She was/is a Broadway star, originating the role of Glinda the Good in Wicked. She is also on a TV show called Pushing Daisies.

Be nice to Tilda! I LOVE her.

You didn't happen to see Daniel Day Lewis's wife's dress did you- the one with the red x-mas ribbons and the monster broach? Feh.

kirelimel said...

Bravo, bravo!! I love the comments-I just couldn't watch much - too too for me but really, you should know Kristin Chenowith! Popular? She is!

I thought the chicky-poo with Dennis Hopper was equally creepy- and the way she giggled over Jon Stewart singling him out as if she understood...blech. The whole old guy/lolitta thing is so overdone.

Oh- as for the prom dresses! I just found a photo of me in mine- I'll post it!

Mnmom said...

I noticed the Dennis Hopper/Lolita thing too. Bleh

Missy said...

Yeah, I learned of Kristin Chenowith on A Prairie Home Companion. She was trained as an opera singer and has an amazing singing voice.

I highly recommend checking her out on youtube or something. She was on that show where Martin Sheen was president too, oh, The West Wing!

Christopher Tassava said...

Your title forgot the word "hilarious." But maybe that would have been Minnesota not-Nice. (This was the best Oscar review I've seen this year!)

Melinda June said...

Miley Cyrus' dad should have spent some of the Achy Breaky money on braces. Talk about a snaggle-tooth. Is she English?

Madame Leiderhosen said...

Kristin Chenowith. She's 4' 10" and terribly talented. Welcome to your life as a gay man.

Gosh, you invited over to my house next Oscars where I will ply you with fizzy cocktails and beg you for more snarky fashion reviews as we watch in our footie pajamas from ugly (but comfy) recliners.

Hands off Tilda; anyone who looks like a young David Bowie is not lost. Good speech too.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I thought almost the same thing about Penelope Cruz.