Thursday, December 11, 2008

Movie plots that just need to retire . . . . . now!

This has NOTHING to do with Christmas. I just needed to do some bitchin!

1. The cop/detective who works outside the rules, and is constantly thwarted by his misunderstanding boss, who is usually black and yells a lot. Still the renegade hero manages to bring in the crook and save the dame. The hero cop wears jeans and denim shirts while the strict bumbling by-the-book guys wear shirts and ties, and awkwardly catch things the radical hero suddenly tosses at them.

2. The adorable child with a disability who is teased and mocked by the entire ignorant world including all educators, classmates, doctors, and fellow bus riders. Only by diligent threats and fits from his/her mother does the entire world finally understand and feel massive guilt.

3. The lonely old hermit who lives on the edge of town, nursing a secret grief. An angelic determined child befriends him, wears him down, and invites him to Christmas Eve dinner. The child's parents are slender, attractive and poor. Mom is a knockout with a great haircut but wears thin cardigans and house dresses no one has seen since the 30's. Dad looks like a model, and says lovely supportive things to his equally-model-beautiful wife about getting more hours down at the mill. The last shot is a pan-out through the kitchen window, to a gentle snowfall.

4. The new girl at school is derided by the clique of mean girls. New Girl has a funky artistic loving Mom, raising her on her own since Dad died/left/ remarried. The mean girls have fabulous hair and bodies, and the other kids part their way while they saunter down the school halls. They do a lot of eye rolling and that weird head thing, and they play nasty tricks on New Girl in gym class. New Girl teaches them a lesson through her exceptional skills in ice skating/dancing/cheerleading/gymnastics and they finally see the error of their wicked ways. Leading Hunk is dating the head mean girl but begins to see how shallow she is when New Girl moves in. The movie ends with Leading Hunk kissing New Girl.

5. Any movie with two actors in comedic danger situations looking straight at each other and simultaneously yelling AAAAARRRRRHHH,
stopping, looking straight ahead and again simultaneously yelling AAAAARRRRRHHH.

11 comments:

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I add to that list the plot where the southern racist(played by an actor not from the south) is shown the error of his racist ways through the love of a child/a good woman or man/or Jesus H. Christ.

Oh, also add any movie where a struggling 'A' list actor or actress plays a mentally challenged person.

Mommy said...

So funny! Loved this post - I so agree!

There are not many good movies anymore. Most of what I watch is cartoons anyway...ya know for the children.

Sheleta said...

girl you have covered them all. i am over here dying laughing! cause #1 has been DONE TO DEATH! from eddie murphy in beverly hills cop to sam jackson in the negotiator. yeah you right girl, they are usually black! danny glover, lethal weapon, 1, 2, 3 and 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8! girl you are too much!

Scott J. said...

You'll love this, then.

The Slow Clap Montage

Falwless said...

I laughed pretty hard at this one:

The lonely old hermit who lives on the edge of town, nursing a secret grief. An angelic determined child befriends him, wears him down, and invites him to Christmas Eve dinner. The child's parents are slender, attractive and poor. Mom is a knockout with a great haircut but wears thin cardigans and house dresses no one has seen since the 30's. Dad looks like a model, and says lovely supportive things to his equally-model-beautiful wife about getting more hours down at the mill. The last shot is a pan-out through the kitchen window, to a gentle snowfall.

God, so effing true. I've seen this one 83 times. Mostly on Lifetime. Hey, shut up, I like that channel, all right?

Christopher Tassava said...

Thanks a lot. I just had to throw all five of my in-progress screenplays out.

kirby said...

Well, I still say if you make the old man in #3 a zombie who ends up eating both the parents and child, it would work.

Missy said...

AAAAARRRRRHHH!

Bubs said...

But I love all these types of movies!

Especially if I've had a few, if you know what I mean.

Madame Leiderhosen said...

-sigh.- It's time for another Cary Grant Film Festival again, isn't it? My house/tonight/7 PM, Sweetness.

Can we have a few less talking animal movies and a drastic reduction of romantic comedies?

"Argh", indeed.

Julie said...

Movie plots that just need to retire . . . . . now!
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