Tuesday, December 29, 2009

New Year's Resolutions


In the tradition of Fran Lebowitz, I'd like to present some New Year's resolutions for other people. I don't go in for them myself - it's too much shame to handle when I fail miserably by February 5th.

For Sarah Palin - I will resolve to learn a few things, and shut my mouth on everything else.

For the fundraising teen athletes at the grocery store - I understand that I'm packing folks' groceries in exchange for actual cash. Therefore I will NOT to put the rolls on the bottom.

For my kids - I will remember that I'm just too old for this nonsense, and will pick up after myself from now on.

For Jon and Kate Goslin - I resolve to just be a parent to my brood and disappear from public life.

For President Obama - I will remember that I freaking WON the election.

For the St. Paul Pioneer Press - I will remember that Mnmom's family have told me 27 times that they get the Mpls Star Tribune and aren't interested in the Pioneer Press and therefore I will quit calling them every 3rd day.

For Oprah Winfrey - If I say I'm retiring I really really will, and will not make several comebacks like Brett Favre.

For the Minnesota Vikings - after losing to the Bears, we will realize that asking Minnesota taxpayers for a new stadium is not a good idea . . . . . at all.

For the GOP - we will comes to terms with Universal Healthcare, and will realize it would be a feather in OUR cap too.

For the Teabagger Party - we will get a life, read some books, and watch the BBC now and then.

For Joseph Cassano - I'll put myself through a wood chipper and save you all the trouble.

For my paper carrier - I will remember that the end of Mnmom's driveway is NOT her front stoop.

For Mnmom's butt - I will not horde fat like some war-starved refugee.

For Tim Pawlenty - I will remember that I'm governor of Minnesota by default, and that I'm just too extreme, snotty and white for words.

8 comments:

Fran said...

Have I told you lately that I love you????

SkylersDad said...

Outstanding!

PS (PSanafter-thought) said...

Right on! You said it; I hope they do it.

Liberality said...

For President Obama - I will remember that I freaking WON the election.

Exactly!

Shan said...

Ha! These are hilarious. And by the way--if you keep resolutions until Feb. you're doing a whole lot better than me most years!

Churlita said...

Perfect. Those were so funny and some were so sad. Too bad you don't rule the world. It would be a much better and more organized place.

Mommy Lisa said...

Such a FREAKING awesome list. Especially for Pawlenty...he IS governor by default because Mike Hatch decided to implode, yet again.

Thanks!

Happy New Year!

Anita said...

All so true, and the Orlando Sentinel is just calling my house daily, to keep annoying us.
Good list! I hope they take heed!