Proper Under Attire

I've had inquiries lately as to what, exactly, constitutes a good bra.  This was based on a bad day being set off by the last good one falling apart. That question and the curiosity about my 2011 panties have come from one source but I digress.  You know who you are.

The following are characteristics of a BAD bra
It was once a pretty pastel hue, but has faded into a mottled gray the color of the February Minnesota sky.
There are thousands of little broken ends of elastic weave popping from the sides.
The underwire has worn through and will impale the wearer's left ventricle next time they bend over.
The side has taken on a dark bluish hue from all the black and navy clothing.
The straps have reached their optimum stretch and can't be tightened further
There is one operating hook in the back where there used to be three.
Every woman owns one, and keeps wearing it because she'd rather chew on tin foil than go bra shopping.

Men have no idea what level of annoyance bras cause.  (Well I suppose your average fumbling 17-year-old might in his own way.)  For one thing, a good one now costs as much as the GDP of a small emerging country.  And hunting for just the right one is like searching for an actual compassionate conservative.

First you have to go to an expensive department store, because all women know that the cheap ones from Target will last about 6 months and cost just slightly less.  In the lingerie department, women must get a giant shopping bag or cart and load at least 79 bras in there in an assortment of sizes.  You would think something as specific as "36C' would be standard but believe me, one 36C can be just enough for two clementines and the next one can fit one cup on your head.  And 36 can mean 25" or 43".  It really depends on the manufacturer's mood at the time.  And bra makers seem to think that all larger women, meaning anyone over a 36" chest must have Triple-Texas size cups.  A 40C is as rare as an honest politician.

So a gal takes all 79 bras to the dressing room but can only take 6 of them in with her.  This means getting completely covered to walk out to your cart to get the next 6.  Yes it would help tremendously to have an actual sales-type-person BRING you the next 6.  But large department stores have a strict policy of one salesperson to every 450 customers so good luck with that.  But somehow they are always present to make sure you take only your allotment to the dressing room - then they go on break.  And since it's a store that considers itself upscale, the shopper will probably have to heft all of them herself because they don't even have carts on the premises.

Then our girl must try on every single bra.  Why you ask?  Because 99% of them will fit horribly.  And I mean HORRIBLY.  They will cut off breathing while the extra large cups are flapping in the wind, or they will turn our chests into horizontal traffic cones.  After finding that ONE in 79 that fits OK, women then got back to the rack to get two more just like it.  But that's where the tragedy continues.  Because the lingerie dept. only carries two of each size and some lucky witch got there first.  Or all the others are the ugliest shade of puce ever conceived.

So if she's lucky, she's found one-good-bra, and crawls exhausted to the sales counter to wait another 30 minutes for the elusive sales person.  There she must dish out $56-$159 cash and a pint of blood.  She arrives home with a migraine and a buyer's remorse stomach ache only to find that the security tag is still attached.