I hate the mall, I hate the mall, I hate the mall

Took my 13-year-old clothes shopping at the Burnsville Mall today. I probably don't have to say anymore for anyone who's been in a similar situation. So many items just chapped my hide today . . . .

1. That blasted Burnsville Mall itself. I swear between my infrequent visits they rearrange the whole place. No hallway is straight. Stairs aren't where they should be. There is a horrid lack of escalators. It's exactly like that M.C. Escher drawing of stairs leading nowhere. Except with bright lights, thick perfumey odors, and the pushy sample lady at Japanese Express.

2. The evil stores catering to the 11-17 set. In about 50 sq feet of space they have placed 20 speakers all at high volume and playing asinine songs from oddly named bands. It's absolutely ear-splitting and an instant migraine inducer. Why in the world would they want the credit-card bearer to get out in a hurry?? And I'm naming names by the way. The worst offenders are Aeropostle, Old Navy, and American Eagle. I've heard from many that Abercrombie and Hollister are even worse with low lighting and continuous cologne spraying. I therefore refuse to even set foot in them. If my kids want clothes with those labels, they'll have to get a job, a car, and a credit card and just go themselves. I hope one of their CEO's reads my blog and immediately changes their tune. A letter of apology would be nice too.

By the way, I horrified my kids last Christmas season when I crawled up into the store front display at Abercrombie, pulled up the male mannequin's pants, and tightened his belt. It was my duty as an adult.

3. The clothing taste and shopping tactics of a 13-yr-old girl. I think I've been had today by my own offspring. She much prefers American Eagle clothing. I personally think it's overpriced garbage. So first we shop at Old Navy because I had the gall to bring the plastic bag we received in the mail worth 20% off anything we can stuff in. Then we shop some $25 jeans in another "affordable" store. "Affordable" meaning Mom can buy a few items and still make the mortgage this month. She performed a great imitation of trying on multiple items in every store but, amazingly, nothing fit. That is UNTIL we reached the Nirvana that is American Eagle. She found a really "cute" sweater for $50. $50!!! For a thin sweater the likes of which I could get her at Kmart for $9.95. So we agreed she would pay half. OK, my parental dignity is still intact when we left with a few items. And she was instructed to abstain from any clothing requests until the end of March.

4. The store clerks!! Every guy looked like Big Boy with those stupid haircuts that pull their bangs up into a point in the middle of their foreheads. I hope their parents take lots of pictures and drag them out at every chance for the next 40 years. Can any American teenager actually tuck in a shirt anymore? Can they at least straighten their collars? How much time and money do you suppose they spend to achieve the Goodwill look?

5. The dizzying leap into the Christmas Retail Season. The Hickory Farms booth was out for God's sake! With Holiday wrapped gift packages! I haven't put away the Halloween stuff yet. Whatever happened to Thanksgiving? I think it's become a Christmas appetizer at best. The sports stores were selling Timberwolves Santa Hats. Bath and Body Works had Holiday Spice and Mistletoe liquid hand soap! . . . . . Ok, I bought some of that.

I hate the mall.